This is a post about online dating. It is a post to help those who
are considering online dating; and it is a post for those who have been
online for ages and are tired of it. For the former group, I'll
describe the online dating landscape and evaluate several different
dating apps. For the latter group, I will make some lamentable observations about online dating. Because if you've been online for awhile, then I know you are also lamenting, at least on the inside, which means SOLIDARITY. Sometimes
solidarity is more consoling than a carton of Ben and Jerry's.
But first, a caveat: I have not online dated in awhile; however, I do occasionally reactivate dating apps to
reassess the online dating landscape. And also to psychoanalyze profiles.
Does anybody else do this? These profiles are better than reality TV,
Jack. The Real Housewives ain't got nothin' on online dating profiles.
Also-also:
this is not a post about the "success" I've had with online dating.
(And there has been some success). It's also not a post about
the remnant of all of the really wonderful, godly men who are online. I have
written about them, though; and I think it's probably important for you
to know they exist, if you're a Christian considering online dating. (For a post about some online dating success, go
HERE.)
So. Here are some of my observations about online dating.
I've
used dating apps in both Portland and Los Angeles and have discovered
the dating pools are really different. In Portland, the men are rugged
and outdoorsy and tend to work as scientists or employees of
Nike. They like craft beer (obviously) and are generally pretty hairy.
In
Los Angeles the men tend to be metrosexual
entrepreneurs, models, actors, and musicians with their shirts off. These
men like to spend time on their yachts and drive around in their
convertibles, and they post a staggering number of pillow selfies.
According to their profiles, the men of both Portland and
Los Angeles are all positive with a sense of adventure, an aversion to
drama, and an affinity for wine, yoga, and live music. A significant
number of them are always smiling and want someone who is always happy, which, in my estimation, rules out ALL OF THE HUMAN RACE. Many
of them are sick and tired of us posting photos of our yoga poses on the
beach.
A side note: in general, a good profile picture is a clear close-up of your face.
Things that do not make a good profile picture:
- Driver's license photos
- Photos that have been blown so much that your head looks like a constellation of pixels
- Group photos in which you are in the back row wearing sunglasses
- Photos featuring your grandma, from which you have been cropped
(And also, it's really nice if you're smiling in your profile picture).
I
didn't formally crunch any numbers, but I'm going to guess that for
every 250 men online, one of those goes out of his way to profess Christianity. The number of
Christians does seem to vary from app to app, though, so I'll talk about that
more below when I review dating apps.
I, like most
people I know, run across the profiles of friends and exes fairly
regularly online. If they are a friend, I shoot them a message to say
hello, and haha it's good to see you, and good luck on here.
If they are an
acquaintance or an ex, I check out their profile in stealth mode, which
ensures they cannot see I have visited their profile. Curiously, many of
these men (friends, exes, acquaintances) are Christians, and many of
them do not specify they are Christians on their profiles. I'm not sure
why this is, but I think it's likely a case of not being super great
self-marketers.
A few other bummers:
1. If you dislike texting and emailing, then online dating will be a draaaag.
2. If you are a really busy or tired introvert, then online dating will be a draaaag.
3. If you dislike first dates with people you have never met, then online dating will be a draaag.
4. Watch out for fake profiles
5. Be careful about the information you provide. All it takes is a first name and the name of your workplace or a school you attended for someone to find you on the web.
5b. All it takes is a first name and the name of a school or workplace to find all sorts of information about someone you're considering meeting. Youtube videos. Family history. Church involvement.
A recommendation: find videos of the potential date before committing to a date. I have discovered that initial attraction is like 95% body language (WHO KNEW!) and a video of a potential date may end up saving you the hassle of going on a date and discovering there is no attraction.
I realize 5b is not a bummer. In fact, I love 5b. There is very little I like about online dating, but I LOVE gathering Intel on potential dates. I chalk this up to a deep value for...research.
And now, for a few encouraging tidbits to balance out the bummers:
Tidbit
#1: I once went out with this guy I met at a party. He was selfless, hardworking, and kind, and I
knew he would be fiercely loyal to whomever he married. We didn't end up having romantic chemistry, however, so we didn't date. I later saw his profile online, and he eventually met a great gal whom (I think) he found online.
See,
you could meet someone just like him online, as long as you're okay
with sifting through hundreds of photos of half naked men flexing on
their yachts while holding a baby they borrowed.
Tidbit
#2: I have had a number of men reach out to me online expressing spiritual hunger.
They have been particularly interested to learn about Jesus and the new
life that he offers. For this reason, I love online dating.
Tidbit
#3: A couple of years back I had a friend who was going on a first date
with a guy she met online. She was dreading it, as most of us tend to, so a group of us decided to join her on her date, unbeknownst to her
date. We sat several tables away and took seflies with them in the
background, and when she went to the bathroom, we went to the bathroom;
and it worked so well we decided to make a habit of showing up at each others' first dates.
It was a great system.
Tidbit #4: Age does seem to be just a number among the singles of
Portland and Los Angeles. If you are a female in your 30s, the younger
guys will want to date you just as much as the older guys. So if you're open to dating younger guys, your pool is probably not as small as you think. (FACT: at one point, almost all of my Orange County girlfriends in their 30s were dating guys 6-9 years younger).
Okay, onto the dating app reviews. But first, a note:
Some women are afraid to try online dating because so many women get
inappropriate messages and photos from men. I'm not sure why, but I have
never gotten either; so it's very possible to have a mostly clean online
dating experience.
TINDER:
Swipe right for people you're interested in;
swipe left for people you're not. If you both swipe right, then you'll be
connected, and either one of you can begin a conversation. Tinder doesn't require biographical information, so a lot of people's profiles are biography-less, which makes it even easier to swipe left. There are
people on this app who are genuinely looking to meet their spouse, but
they are feeeeew and far between. Generally, this app is full of people looking for hook-ups.
BUMBLE:
Bumble
works like Tinder, except only women are able to open a private chat room once a connection has been made. If you are a woman pooped out on online dating, then I'm guessing you won't love this feature.
If the woman doesn't open a chat room within 24-hours of the initial connection, then the connection will disappear, unless someone uses their daily option to extend the connection by 24 hours.
Like Tinder, participants do not have
to fill out a profile, and I'd
guess about 1/8 of the guys fill in the profile section.
When they do fill out a profile, the men of Bumble seem to be more
opinionated than the men in other dating pools, and say things like,
"Please do not say 'Hi' or 'Hey' when you reach out; if you can't think
of anything more creative then I'm not interested."
I
find apps like Bumble to be pretty overwhelming. There's so much
dizzying swiping, that you can end up with matches you don't
remember investigating, and the work to sift through them just doesn't
feel worth it. My tactic, when using Bumble, was to only consider the
profiles of men who used their 24-hour extension. That limited the pool
considerably and was less overwhelming to me.
COFFEE MEETS BAGEL:
This
app works a little differently than Tinder and Bumble. Every day at
noon participants are sent a profile that they can either accept or
reject. When two people accept each other's profiles, then they are
connected and can begin communicating. Private chat rooms expire after
seven days.
Profiles on Coffee Meets Bagel are more
detailed, so it's a little easier to assess initial interest, and I've
found there are more professing Christians on Coffee Meets Bagel than on
Bumble and Tinder. I also know more people who have found potential
dates on CMB than anywhere else, though admittedly, the dating pool on
CMB has shifted in the last year or so. I'm just theorizing here, but I
think the best time to try an app is when it's brand spankin' new. After
awhile, all the Tinder people catch wind of the app and migrate over. I
think this is what has happened to Coffee Meets Bagel.
A note:
it turns out, if you delete the app from your phone, your profile is
still active. You must deactivate or delete your profile in order for it
to be removed from the profile pool. Same with Bumble.
MATCH:
With Match, you pay for the service, get access to a pool of
people across the United States (or in your area, if you want to narrow the pool), and you can send messages to whomever you want, whenever you
want. Of course this means all the men on Match can reach out to you,
whether you want them to or not, which may mean you find yourself
sifting through a bunch of unwanted emails.
The profiles on Match are more thorough (you have to write SOMETHING), so it can be easier to assess initial interest.
OKCUPID:
This
service works like Match but is free. There are several Christian guys
on this site in my area — that's a
literal several — though it mostly feels Tinder-ish. Like Match, the
profiles are more detailed, which helps with the sifting process.
Welp, theeeeeeere you have it, folks.
May your dating efforts be fruitful, or, at the very least, entertaining.
Let me know how it goes.
Happy Wednesday.
I'm cheering for ya, Home Skillets!
-Sarah
P.S. Thanks to those of you who have been praying for me this week. I've not gotten any bugs and have been able to get a lot of work done, though I'm not in the clear yet. Tomorrow and Friday I need to be ultra productive as I work toward a fast-approaching deadline. Please continue to pray!
© by scj
